For many people, a parents' divorce marks a turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now. About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so children of divorce are certainly not alone. It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce - and have a happy family life in spite of changes divorce may bring. After all, couples divorce one another, not their kids.

Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
There are many reasons why parents divorce. They may include serious problems like alcoholism or abuse, but often couples divorce because they can no longer live together in harmony. One parent may have changed in some ways, and the other could not adapt. Some couples may have simply drifted apart over time. Others find that they no longer love each other as they once did.

It is common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault, but nothing could be further from the truth. Some teens may wonder if they could have helped to prevent the split. Others may wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their kids. Decisions adults make about divorce are their own.

If your parents are divorcing, you may experience a variety of feelings, and your emotions may change frequently. You may feel angry, upset, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You may also feel relieved. These feelings are normal and talking about them with a trusted friend or adult can help.

How Will Divorce Change My Life?
There is no doubt that parents' divorce will affect your daily life. Depending on your particular situation, you may have to adjust to many changes. These could include things like moving and changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and dealing with some parents' unpleasant feelings toward one another.

Issues of money may change for your parents. A parent who did not work during marriage may need to find a job to pay the bills. There are expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live. Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce.

Some teens have to travel between parents, and that may pose problems both socially and practically. There may be some hassles, but with time you can create a new routine that works.

Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You may end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time with you evenly. Often, it takes a while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to these big changes and for families to figure out together what works best.

What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make Divorce Easier

Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can not do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other. No matter what problems a couple may have faced, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may feel.

Be fair. Most teens say it's important that parents do not try to get them to "take sides." You need to feel free to relate to one parent without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It is unfair for anyone to feel that relating to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.

When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a divorce counselor or therapist. This can help parents to get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their children.

Keep in touch. Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often. Even a quick email just to say "I'm thinking of you" helps ease feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you are apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.

Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, but one parent may find it difficult to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because a teen may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.

Talk about the future. Many teens whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things.

Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns, when there is enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Do not worry about putting added stress on your parents. It is better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions for most problems and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those solutions.

Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same. Take care of yourself, too, by eating right and getting regular exercise - two great stress busters!

Bringing Out the Positive
There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You may even discover some unexpected positives. Many teens find their parents are actually happier after the divorce, or they may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time with each one.

Some teens become more compassionate and kind when a younger brother or sister needs their support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count on each other more because they are facing the challenges of their parents' divorce together. Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity in teens. They may become more responsible, independent, and thoughtful. Some become better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends.

Most teens learn, sometimes to their surprise, that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully. Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.

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